censorship, freedom, and what it’s like to be an Aquarian Goddess

Originally posted April 1, 2008

It’s April Fool’s Day, as I’m sure everyone already knows. I could give a shit about jokes and pranks today, I feel irritated and kinda fed up with a lot of things. I’m trying to break free of that feeling, it makes me want to hole up by myself and just zone out, but that’s rather boring, not to mention that I don’t wish anyone to assume that because I’m having a stereotypical Aquarian "cold and detached" kind of day that it’s their fault. It’s not easy to beat that feeling though so I guess instead of fighting it, I will run with it. It’s not like I’ll feel this way tomorrow anyway.

I guess the big April Fool’s joke going around on the internet is the YouTube Partners Guild Strike. It’s a shame that it’s all just a big joke, because YouTube is getting ridiculous. It’s supposed to be YOUtube, not Major Networks and fcc regulations tube. Fuckin A. Yeah, it’s true that tons of people are using YouTube to express themselves by keeping video blogs, showing off their self produced films, promoting what they do, and so on. And that’s great, I think that was the whole point of the site to begin with. But the regular people doing their thing get kicked off when what they are saying or doing doesn’t mesh with what THEY want you to see. My last channel got flagged and deleted. Why? All I had were videos of me smoking. My channel was strictly there to entertain the people who enjoy watching a woman smoke, and to promote my clips4sale store and website. I was not in any breach of their terms of service, other than perhaps using prerecorded music that I didn’t create - but who on YouTube ISN’T doing that these days? Even videos that had no sound got flagged, so I know it had nothing to do with that anyway. Yeah, so okay... "smoking is bad for your health". I know that. But I did grow up in a time when cigarettes were advertised just as fiercely as all the other chemicals the media shoves down your throat. My parents were brought up in a generation where the media told them that their DOCTORS recommend certain brands of cigarettes. I am thankful that I am awake to these things and advertisements have little to no effect on me, but in the case of smoking, it’s too late, I am addicted, and I’m not gonna front: I’m not ready to quit. Take that as being weak or whatever, but it’s not where I am at right now. I enjoy smoking even though I know it’s bad for my health. My videos are not promoting cigarettes to impressionable people, I am just offering my unique face to a fetish niche that already exists. And it’s a completely tame fetish that can be shown on a site like YouTube because there is no nudity or anything particularly offensive about it, except to maybe non smokers - but let’s face it, it’s not like they can smell my smoke through their monitor, so what do they really have to bitch about, anyway? If people want to self-censor what they watch, they should, instead of demanding that something they don’t like shouldn’t be available to everyone else. Censorship is not a good thing. Take control of what you look at for yourself and do not dictate what others can or can’t look at.

As far as offering my unique face to the fetishes that interest me, I don’t want to restrict myself to any one thing. I don’t want to be known for smoking fetish modeling or foot fetish modeling, or whatever the case may be. I want to be known for ME. What I do, what I believe in, what turns me on, what makes me happy, sad, fired up, and whatever. I am the fetish, not the object I am showing. It sounds egotistical, but it’s not like that. I know I have something good to offer, above and beyond and including sexuality. Let’s get this straight, alright? I was born in late January, and that makes me an Aquarius. I am not attempting to stereotype myself here, it’s just that a lot of what Aquarians are about is very true to who I am. I developed these personality traits, likes and dislikes, passions, and everything before I ever read anything about Astrology. So what about Aquarians? What makes them tick? What are you gonna learn about ME today based on these generalizations I’m about to present to you, dear reader? Check it out:

Internal conflict. Check. The reason why? Aquarius is a "Fixed Air Sign", which is a total contradiction. Also, Uranus and Saturn are our planetary rulers, which adds to the contradictions and feelings of confusion. Aquarians are very sexual beings, and yet we don’t always know what to do with that. In our minds is the best porno movie ever, but we have trouble expressing it to those we are intimate with. This also ties into Aquarians simultaneously needing both intimacy and space. So for me personally, being in the sex industry means being torn between the desire to please and the desire to be myself and not give a fuck if you like it or not. I lean more towards the desire to be myself, however. See, I, like many other Aquarians, am fiercely independent. I am aware of my uniqueness, I am not ashamed of it, I don’t plan to hide it. I strongly dislike being told what to do by anyone. In fact, when anyone tells me what to do, I have the urge to go right on ahead and do the exact opposite. A "haha I showed you, bitch!" kind of thing. This is why I won’t be doing any more custom requests that follow a strict script. I have one on the table now and there is no turning back. I am procrastinating about doing it because it’s not me, I’ll be playing some character. Well, the guy who ordered it will be in for a surprise. Oh, I’ll still use his script but I’m still making that shit my own. And then, I am done with customs. I am gonna make what I want to make, and that’s that.

Aquarians, when they actually get into that rare circumstance wherein they are deeply committed to a person, are fiercely loyal and faithful. But here comes the contradiction... We want our freedom and space to do what we want, with who we want, when we want to do it. I am very lucky that my boyfriend is open minded and is willing to allow me to have freedom and space as well as the intimacy he gives me. It’s good to know that if and when I decide to break the chains of monogamy, I can do so without hurting his feelings. But I am not keen to go there as of yet because I need to have a very strong connection to someone on more than just a physical level to even want them to touch me, let alone get really intimate with them. The men who leave me comments or write me messages online seem to think in their minds that telling me about how hot I make them is going to impress me somehow. I go between being flattered and repulsed, and sometimes feeling those two things at the same time. I despise being flirted with, especially by men. So now I know what you’re thinking - that I am in the wrong business here. Well, no, I’m really not. I am finding my way to figuring out who I am within the sex industry, and let me tell you - I already know that I’m not here to objectify myself, nor do I want to live up to anyone’s strict fantasy. They either find me sexy and enjoy what I do, or they don’t, it doesn’t matter to me. But if they don’t have anything more intelligent to tell me than how much I turn them on (or worse, the details, like showing me a picture of their cock while they jerk off to a picture of me) then I really don’t want to hear from them. Come talk to me about spirituality, music, art, society, change, nature. You want to tell me I’m beautiful? that’s fine too but keep it respectful. I am not here to be your toy, you can’t manipulate me, and you can fantasize about having me all you want, but you most likely will never touch me, so get over it and move on.

Aquarians often feel like they are just visiting this planet, and I am no different. I have always looked at the world through different eyes and been acutely aware of feeling like I’m on the outside and looking in. This doesn’t bother me though. I know I am here to learn and to teach, and to make a difference. I haven’t completely figured out how I’m going to go about doing that, but the pieces are beginning to fall into place, one by one, with each passing day. And I will make mistakes. I will make choices without really thinking them through, I will execute ideas that perhaps I should have left on the drawing table. But I can’t regret any of it, and I won’t.
So Aquarians feel a bit alien, but I think it’s because we are blessed with some kind of higher mind. I’m not saying we’re better than anyone, I’m just saying that we see things differently. The truth exposes itself to us far easier. We have an understanding of what is going on. We want to use it to help others, to empower others, not to enslave or look down on anyone. This is why I am struggling with taking on a Domme persona, because it’s not really who I am. I do believe I am a Goddess, just as I believe all women are - some are latent, they are too caught up in their insecurities to realize it. There are others who use "Goddess" as an ego boost, to attempt to hide their insecurities. I think a true Goddess is a woman who feels the intangible things that so many of us take for granted and brings them to the forefront. She is a mother, a teacher, a lover, and a truth speaker. She loves you all. But you can push her buttons and then you will fear her wrath if you don’t already. That’s how I am, I know these things about myself, and I am not afraid to let you know about it.
Because of the influence of Uranus in Aquarius, we are not only fully capable of abandoning everything, but we do it and don’t look back. There is every chance in the world that at some time in the future, I could give this all up for something I am feeling better about doing, and never look back. And that can cause resentment. But the bottom line is, I do what I want. Always. No one dictates to me what I should or shouldn’t do, and if they try, they will be ignored (or they will get a mouthful from me before I turn around and ignore them), and I will do what I want anyway. Period. There’s no if’s and’s or but’s about it.

Have you ever been touched by an Aquarius? Then you know that they radiate with electricity. You are drawn to them because they are magnetic. A simple gentle touch from an Aquarius can electrify you in ways you didn’t know possible. This is why I have had quite a few unstable followers in my day. And this, in turn, is why I am really careful about who I let in. This is why I become cold and detached, offended when approached in a sexual way - because for me, sex isn’t just an animalistic instinct. It’s a spiritual experience. And a spiritual experience is not something I can share with everyone. It just isn’t. I wish it could be, because on the one hand I am all for free love and on the other, I am so choosy about who I allow into my pleasure zones because I don’t want anyone getting hooked, you see? At least not anyone who isn’t stable enough to be able to move on when the time is right. So there it is. Conflict on all sides. Aquarians have an inbred responsibility to be humanitarians. We want to help people but not necessarily at the cost of our own space. Does any of this make sense to you? I could really go on and on about this, but I think I am going to chill out right now and move along to the next topic. My rant is over, but feel free to say what ya gotta say.

xo
Cherry

edit, for the right-brainers...
these lyrics really sum it up, mmkay?
take to the sky - tori amos
this house is like russia
with eyes cold and grey
you got me moving in a circle
i dyed my hair red today
i just want a little passion
to hold me in the dark
i know i’ve got some magic
buried deep in my heart yeah
but my priest says
you ain’t savin’ no souls
my father says
you ain’t makin’ any money
my doctor says
you just took it to the limit
and here i stand
with this sword in my hand

you can say it one more time
what you don’t like
let me hear it one more time then
have a seat while i
take to the sky

my heart is like the ocean
it gets in the way
so close to touching freedom
then i hear the guards call my name

but my priest says
you ain’t savin’ no souls
my father says
you ain’t makin’ any money
my doctor says
you just took it to the limit
and here i stand
with this sword in my hand

if you don’t like me just a little, well
why do you hang around
if you don’t like me just a little
why do you
take it, take it, take it
(there she goes again
wearing those purple panties
there she goes again
wearing her heart
there she goes again)

this house is like russia
you can say it one more time
you can say it one more time
you can say it one more time
what you don’t like
let me hear it one more time
then have a seat while i
take to the sky