Sunday, April 20, 2008

au naturale

Ooh! Good morning, peoples. I've just been watching some videos made by Goddess Glory, and yet again, I'm so amazed that there's someone else out there who who has similar ideas about things as I do. In this video, she talks about being natural - not using beauty products and so on.

Now, I've had my moments. For the most part, I was never really one to wear makeup, use lotions, hair spray, or any of that garbage. I will say I do like to dye my hair, but in recent months I've been thinking about stopping that, because there's really nothing wrong with my natural color, I'm trying to let my hair grow long, and I don't want it to be ten different colors. I have always liked the look of "unnatural" hair colors - I've had my hair red, blue, green, purple, pink - every color imaginable, sometimes all at once. But in order to achieve those colors, bleaching my hair is necessary, and that's a process I have always hated. And then, once my hair is some beautiful shade of pink or whatever, every time I go to the store, I get stared at like I'm some kind of alien or something. I never dyed my hair "weird" colors for attention, I always just did it because I love being colorful. But I hate it when I go out in public and people stare at me. I like to move about mostly unnoticed. So I made a conscious decision to cut out the whole hair dying thing. I recently dyed my hair a shade of red that is close to my natural color, just to cover up the blue/green monstrosity that it was a couple months ago.
As far as makeup, I didn't even own anything but some Burt's Bees lip gloss until I started doing smoking fetish videos. I totally fell for that whole idea that I have to get "made up" for the fetish audience to enjoy my videos. I have to thank Glory for shaking me out of that, because I got into this whole fetish thing and left behind a lot of my beliefs in doing so. No wonder I've been so unhappy and confused about the whole thing. I will say that I invested in some Pearl Ex to use for eyeshadow, because I do like to get outlandishly made up sometimes, and all Pearl Ex is, is mica powder. That's the main ingredient in most makeup, but then they go and add a bunch of bullshit that you shouldn't be putting on your face. I honestly don't think I'm even gonna bother with that anymore.
I have really been struggling with the whole idea of doing fetish modeling because I'm so fiercely independent and I do not want to change my interior OR my exterior just to please other people. Why the fuck should I? When it comes right down to it, my boyfriend, my friends, and my family all love me and think I'm beautiful just the way I am. So in all honesty, if the people who watch my videos don't like it, they can go watch someone else's videos, because I am always going to do what I want. This is why I don't want to do custom videos anymore, because I'm not an actress, I don't like to play pretend, and why should I sacrifice anything of myself just for some dude in buttfuck wherever to jerk off to? What, for the money? No. See, I like making videos, but I'm not in it just for the money. I was at first, and that came from this desperation to get the bills paid. But I want to do all kinds of things, many of which have nothing at all to do with the sex industry, to get my survival on. I want to make art, grow food, and literally a hundred other things that I could do to survive, express myself, be happy, help others, and get some income as well.
So yeah, that's it. I am who I am, I look how I look. If you don't like it, the door is over that way. I'm not going to change for anyone, and anyone who tries to get me to change has no right, and no respect. Fuck society's ideals of beauty. So what if you think I'm fat, or ugly? You don't know what you're missing out on if all you can see is the exterior. I have been in the process of changing my lifestyle for a while now, and the only reasons I'm doing it is for health, for the earth, and not for looks. Hey smoking fetishists, guess what? I'm thinking very hard about quitting cigarettes. Awww, poor you. I feel bad about it only because my boyfriend has the smoking fetish, and a big part of why I got into this was for him. But I am pissed about getting duped by Big Tobacco, which is why I started smoking handrolled natural tobacco 6 years ago. And I know that Joe has enough respect for me and my health that he isn't going to try and stop me. He might razz me a bit, that's just in his nature, and I know that he isn't gonna quit smoking anytime soon. I won't try to make him, either. Quitting is something a person must decide to do on their own. I'll still rock the herbs, however - that will never change. I might even make videos of that, just for the hell of it. But there isn't a single one of you who will come to me and talk shit, because it will go ignored. I will always do what I want, and like I said, if you don't like it, there's the door. Peace.

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